Do you have any friends –or maybe it is yourself– who never ask for help? No matter how bad things get, asking will not be an option. Psychology studies this behavior, pointing out that this can “start” during childhood. Back then, expressing a need or an emotion was often met with being ignored or minimized. Following that idea, therapists say that what looks like independence is actually just a survival strategy disguised as independence.
Why the easiest friend may not feel safe asking
For this specific behavior, psychologists explain that if caregivers did not make them feel heard or even emotionally understood, it can lead them to the famous avoidant attachment. Specifically Lisa Firestone, who is a very respected psychologist, says that approximately 30 percent of people show some variation of it. So, again, extreme independence and people dealing with their own needs, is the “solution”, because the body has memory and all those situations are not comfortable to experience.
In daily life, this can be shown in extreme mature or competent personalities. It can actually be also the typical friend who in general does not ask for help or a small favor, because they feel “it is a lot”. That makes them keep on dealing with their things mostly alone. So in this stage of life they might work under this unconscious idea: “Needing less is safer.”
What the body reveals beneath the calm
There are the very famous “Strange Situation” observations from the 1970s done by Mary Ainsworth that really helped to see this pattern. While a kid with secure attachment tends to get upset when his or her caregiver leaves and then looks for comfort when the person returns, and a kid with avoidant attachment can seem to be totally indifferent to the situation. So what looks like composed is actually not.
But what these observations show is that their heart-rate monitoring is not relaxed. They may not show it to the outside, but internally many things are going on. Years go by, and as an adult, they can appear self regulated, but inside, things are working differently
How self-sufficiency becomes a social reward
Being self-sufficient is okay, but society excessively likes to celebrate this type of behaviour. Have you ever questioned why society says that the people who cause no problem, accept any plan, and never need to be saved are the best? Families, couples and friends have no patience for “daily conflict” or space for emotions.
But let’s not think that now every person you meet who is calm or super independent has avoidant attachment. There are also people who have those characteristics and still can simply be more reserved or stable. I think the challenge is how much flexibility (or not) they have to ask for help. And there you will see if they are avoidant or simply more reserved or stable.
The hidden cost in love, work, and health
Let’s think of a couple. One is distant and emotionally difficult to reach, and the other one, one day, just simply needs more space for emotions, or to also hear his partner’s feelings about something… Inevitably the distant partner may feel that the other partner’s need to be close is pressure instead of love. So I guess that in romantic relationships, it can be very clear avoidant attachment.
What psychologists say is that the contexts can change, for example, having an avoidant attachment at work, or in other relationships, but what they say is that if people do not “release” emotions or express them in some way, poor sleep, anger, or a strange feeling of loneliness can appear. If you don’t talk about your things, how will the people around you know that you are going through difficult times?
How the pattern can begin to soften
I guess you might be curious about what therapists suggest that is the “best” or most “useful” way to break this pattern. They insist that although it can seem quite obvious or simple, they insist on doing “small experiments” in daily life (admitting that it was a difficult week or simply asking a friend to pick you up in the car) and actually training and sending messages to your brain that your needs do not need to be hidden. But it is a challenge. For somebody that has tended to hide their needs, maybe asking for help is gigantic.
What friends can do without pushing
To close, I guess the message here is to think about how needing a hand or expressing your feelings or concerns to somebody close to you is not a crime. What happened at a young age should not restrict you from trying a new way to relate to others. So why not be that safe place for yourself or for others? Saying what you need can actually tell you more about yourself than you imagine.
The clinical overview discussed in this article was published on Psychology Today.
